Tomorrow is Jaxon’s due date. And he is 4 months old.
This week in the mail I’ve received 3 “Congratulations – you’re baby is almost here!” letters. I’ve gotten about 30 “reminders” on my phone. I got a “hospital stay” comfort kit from a formula company. I’m getting emails about what to expect in the hospital. I’m supposed to have my slippers packed by now… And I’m definitely supposed to be signed up to lose the baby fat at the local gym.
I’m being constantly reminded that things just did not go as planned!
I thought I would come up with this glorious “silver lining” idea to write about. But in all actuality: I’m just mad.
I’m mad that I didn’t get the pregnancy that I wanted. I loved my “pregnant” belly, even though I only gained 5 pounds during my pregnancy. Well, technically, I lost 13 the first month (if you ever want to lose weight in a hurry, just quit drinking beer!) and then gained 18 over the course of my pregnancy. What would I look like if I was still pregnant?
I’m mad that I missed out on being fat for a reason!
My friends and family are so incredible they threw me baby showers two weeks before Jax came home from the hospital. I’m mad that during the showers, I did not get to put the cute outfits on my swollen belly.
I’m mad that I did not get to complain about being uncomfortable and huge and whatever else pregnant women get to complain about.
Maybe, though, I’m just sad that Jaxson has had to fight the battles he’s had to fight. My poor tiny baby has has to endure 6 blood transfusions, infections, a double inguinal hernia and an umbilical hernia, hypospadias, aggressive ROP, a PDA and PFO. He still struggles with his oxygen levels and is on low flow oxygen 24 hours a day.
We had our first appointment with the urologist today. Jax’s hernia surgery will be in 8 weeks. I’m scared. He will be put under anesthesia and will spend the night in the hospital. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. Back. To. The. Hospital. His hypospadias surgery will be when he’s around 1 year old. So – even though Jax is out of the hospital now, his prematurity will continue to affect his life for years to come. He’s not out of the woods yet…
It’s easy to say why us.
It’s hard to find the silver lining in this journey. But you know I’ll find it because that’s what I do! Jax obviously came early for a reason. He knew something was wrong. Maybe if I was still pregnant, I would be sick. Maybe Jax would be sicker. Maybe Jax wouldn’t be here.
So, I suppose that even though I am mad at all of the things that I missed out on, I’m also in complete awe of my son’s strength. Jax is alive. If that’s not a sliver lining, I don’t know what is…
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An Early Start 
I think the grieving process is normal… my 24 weeker is now 2 years old and it’s still hard for me to hear pregnant women complain about their big bellies and how uncomfortable they are. Having missed the third trimester I have no idea how it is. And oddly enough I miss it. Weird to think you can miss something you never had but I did and still do. BJ had hernia surgery as well… the surgery went great and he recovered surprisingly fast.
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It helps to know that I’m not the only one! I think I have this “perfect” vision of what a 3rd trimester should be like, only because I never got to experience it in real life. It hurts when people say “oh – at least you never got to feel that!” I would SO much rather of had an uncomfortable 3rd trimester than the alternative. I’m glad BJ did well on his surgery – he is adorable! I’m glad we found each others blogs!
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I don’t know if I’ve gotten to the point of being mad about having a preemie, I am still just so grateful that he is here and we both made it. I never got a pregnant belly even since Xander was growth restricted. I had a co-worker due two weeks before me and she asked one day if I could feel him moving more… and I was starting to feel little flutters but when I thought about it after learning how tiny he was… I wasn’t feeling what she was feeling I’m sure. Xander had bi-lateral hernias also. The day of his surgery I knew it would be ok; much better than the emergency surgery, but it was still SO HARD to see him get taken off to surgery. I think it was that I couldn’t be there for him during it. I tried to be there as much as I could for everything else but just had to wait the hours in the waiting room while he was in surgery. Bring a book!! I was worried about him having to be intibated again but he was even extibated before they brought him back to the NICU and was satting at 100%.
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Not a day, minute, or second goes by that I am not grateful that Jax is here with us! With Xander, did you know there was a possibility of a pre-term birth?
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Not until I was admitted to the hospital 5 days before he was born for severe pre-eclampsia! Everything was normal, he was smaller at the 20 week ultrasound but not out of an acceptable range. It was around 26 weeks I had my blood pressure checked by our health nurse at work and she noticed it was a bit elevated. The next week it was higher and I went in for observation and was sent home. They called me back on Thursday to go in for observation again, I was kept overnight and then given the steriods to help his lungs develop and ambulanced to the U of MN the next morning. They said they didn’t know when he would be born but I wasn’t leaving the hospital until he was. We had ultrasounds every morning, and the morning when he was exactly 28 weeks the blood flow reversed from the placenta and they came in right after lunch and said the emergency c-section was scheduled for 6:30 pm. During the first ultrasound in the hospital we found out he was only about 1lb 4oz, and the placenta had grown over a 8cm fibroid in my uterus. He wasn’t getting all the blood and nutrients he needed to grow because of that. The MFM Dr said he was like a scraggly tree growing out of a crack in the rocks toward the top of a mountain, getting some nutrients but not enough to grow big and strong like the trees closer to the base of the mountain. They told me I had a few contractions while hooked up to the monitors but I never felt them.
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Wow – that must have been really scary! We have so much to be thankful this holiday – our boys are home!
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I’m sorry you are starting to feel the grief of having a preemie! Know that it takes a long time to subside, and doesn’t really ever go away, at least it hasn’t for me. But it does get easier. You’re right at the beginning of a long journey. If you ever want to chat, even though we’ve never met, let me know. It definitely helps with the whole process.
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A good morning cry is what I had this morning. Your days may be filled with tears;I know many of them are tears of joy for your tiny Mully Miracle!
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Not sure if you have read this essay: http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html but it was sort of helpful for me, along my journey. Miss you, my friend. Hope we can have a really big hug (in person) soon.
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Andrea I could be wrong, I haven’t spoken to you much during your ordeal, I know you’ve been consumed and overwhelmed. But I feel like you have spent so much time worried about if Jaxson was going to make it , and spending every moment with him that you could so you wouldn’t have to miss a thing. Now that he has come home and beaten so many odds, you are beginning to grieve. Grieve what you didn’t have, and grieve over what you wanted for your son and family. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you being angry. You have every right to be angry. I know that when my son was diagnosed with autism I had to grieve for the life I expected for him was not going to be the same life he would have. Feel whatever it is you need to feel and just know that everyone who knows you will not judge you. We all love you and none of us have been through what you have been through. Thank you for continuing your posts. I hope they are as good of a way for you to vent as it is for us to support you. We think of you and pray for your family every day. Hugs!!
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Andrea, my dear friend. I can’t say I know how you’re feeling but I wanted to let you know that you and Steve and awesome little Jax are frequently in my thoughts. It’s totally okay to feel mad about those things. I am sending you as many positive vibes and virtual hugs as one can muster to try and help you all through another day. My heart goes out to you, you are doing an awesome job! Much love!!!!
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