Tomorrow is Jaxon’s due date. And he is 4 months old.
This week in the mail I’ve received 3 “Congratulations – you’re baby is almost here!” letters. I’ve gotten about 30 “reminders” on my phone. I got a “hospital stay” comfort kit from a formula company. I’m getting emails about what to expect in the hospital. I’m supposed to have my slippers packed by now… And I’m definitely supposed to be signed up to lose the baby fat at the local gym.
I’m being constantly reminded that things just did not go as planned!
I thought I would come up with this glorious “silver lining” idea to write about. But in all actuality: I’m just mad.
I’m mad that I didn’t get the pregnancy that I wanted. I loved my “pregnant” belly, even though I only gained 5 pounds during my pregnancy. Well, technically, I lost 13 the first month (if you ever want to lose weight in a hurry, just quit drinking beer!) and then gained 18 over the course of my pregnancy. What would I look like if I was still pregnant?
I’m mad that I missed out on being fat for a reason!
My friends and family are so incredible they threw me baby showers two weeks before Jax came home from the hospital. I’m mad that during the showers, I did not get to put the cute outfits on my swollen belly.
I’m mad that I did not get to complain about being uncomfortable and huge and whatever else pregnant women get to complain about.
Maybe, though, I’m just sad that Jaxson has had to fight the battles he’s had to fight. My poor tiny baby has has to endure 6 blood transfusions, infections, a double inguinal hernia and an umbilical hernia, hypospadias, aggressive ROP, a PDA and PFO. He still struggles with his oxygen levels and is on low flow oxygen 24 hours a day.
We had our first appointment with the urologist today. Jax’s hernia surgery will be in 8 weeks. I’m scared. He will be put under anesthesia and will spend the night in the hospital. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. Back. To. The. Hospital. His hypospadias surgery will be when he’s around 1 year old. So – even though Jax is out of the hospital now, his prematurity will continue to affect his life for years to come. He’s not out of the woods yet…
It’s easy to say why us.
It’s hard to find the silver lining in this journey. But you know I’ll find it because that’s what I do! Jax obviously came early for a reason. He knew something was wrong. Maybe if I was still pregnant, I would be sick. Maybe Jax would be sicker. Maybe Jax wouldn’t be here.
So, I suppose that even though I am mad at all of the things that I missed out on, I’m also in complete awe of my son’s strength. Jax is alive. If that’s not a sliver lining, I don’t know what is…