A New Year, A New Beginning

Happy New Year, gang! Can you believe the year we just did?

Jax’s 2013 Highlights

• One surgery, two surgeries, and three surgeries!
• Mama quits working to spend all day teaching me new things, taking me to doctors appointments and therapy, and playing games with me…I’m so lucky!
• I had my first Emergency Room visit! 😦
• I got to see my favorite nurses at the NICU Reunion in St Cloud and at the Baby Steps walk.
• I got a fancy new helmet and started physical and occupational therapy.
• I got to PLAY with my cousins!
• I turned ONE YEAR OLD!
• I started school.
• I got my first hair cut.
• I learned to walk!

Mom’s 2013 Highlights

I spent most of the year just trying to keep it together. I’m not going to lie – it was not an easy one for me. After spending the last part of 2012 living in a complete adrenaline rush of stress and terror, 2013 gave me time to begin processing what happened. I’ve come a long way with that.

At first, symptoms of PTSD threatened to take over as we approached Jax’s first surgery. And then PTSD reared it’s ugly head – hard – around his first birthday and when we went back to the “scene of the crime.” I don’t think I will ever be able to hear a helicopter without panicking.

Now, the feelings of fear have morphed into feelings of depression. I spent so long being afraid and literally fighting for Jax’s life, that now my brain is like WTF? It’s a lot to process. We’re constantly being told that Jax is at very high risk for issues later on down the road and that makes it hard to enjoy these good days. I’m trying to focus more on the “here and now” rather than worrying about what the future will bring. Next week, I’m going to start seeing a counselor. I think that will help.

I love being home to witness Jax’s milestones. I love helping him learn and grow. But it’s no secret that I’m not a big fan of being a stay-at-home mom. It’s hard work. It never ends. There is no such thing as evenings and weekend. I miss the challenge of a professional project. So, hopefully 2014 will bring a new job opportunity and a level of cognitive activity that I’ve been absolutely craving.

Each day we move farther away from our traumatic experience brings a new prospect for peace and healing. Sooner or later, when I think of Jax’s birth and time in the NICU, I will be able to say “wow – what a crazy story, huh?” Until then, I’ll keep writing. And I hope you’ll keep reading.

Last year, I posted my resolutions – I did pretty well! Here are my resolutions for this year…

2014 Resolutions

• Keep writing / blogging; grow the blog to help more families.
• Find ways to make money writing or blogging.
• Get a part-time job.
• Find more time for myself. Make taking care of ME a priority: exercise, friendships, meditation.
• Figure out who I am again (besides being “Jax’s mom”).
• Spend more quality time with my husband. Date night at least once a month.
• Stay credit card debt free.
• Run a 5K. (This has been on my list for the last 3 years! Is THIS the year it happens?!)
• Add on to Jax’s garden: swing set, sandbox, and place to dig and learn, etc. (I started a Pinterest Board, if you want to see!)
• Explore at least 10 Minnesota State Parks with Jax.

Starting this blog has been one of the best things I’ve ever done. It’s a relief when I press Publish and my thoughts and feelings are lifted up to the Universe (well, ok – the Internet) and I can let go and move forward. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being with us through the thick and thin. Thanks for sending encouragement in a “like” or a comment. Thanks for being part of our “family!”

What are your resolutions for the New Year?