A Time of Life and of Death: Springtime Anxiety and Awareness

I love spring – it is hands-down my favorite season. Everything is fresh and new. The air smells like something living for the first time in months. The grass is greening, the buds are popping on the trees, and the breeze touches your skin with a warmth that hasn’t been felt all winter long. Spring puts a bounce in my step and a smile on my face because after 6 months of isolation and RSV lockdown, we are finally allowed to see people. 

But, strangely, each spring also brings an insane level of anxiety into my life. My brain feels mushy – incapable of remembering anything on my to-do list. I’m cloudy. I have a short temper. I feel overwhelmed by things on our calendar that should be fun – but instead they are stressful.

It took me a couple of years to figure out why this was happening. But when I looked at the calendar one day and started counting down the days to when my mom died, I realized where the anxiety was coming from.

This is the day mom and I went to the Conservatory and she had to stop to rest every few feet.

This is the day my mom said “I can’t fight anymore.”

This is the day mom entered hospice care.

This is the day I last heard my mom’s voice.

This is the day…

The entire month of April is a countdown to a day that sent my heart exploding into a million pieces. This is the day my mom died.

And of all the people that we get to see while we’re out enjoying the spring renewal, she’s the person I want to see the most.

Spring is a time of life. But in our case, it’s also a time of death. I miss my mom. And it’s hard for me to find balance with that.

Me and my Mom
Me and my Mom
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Author: Andrea M

Oh man, what an adventure! I went into labor unexpectedly when I was 23w3d pregnant. Jaxson was born weighing 1 lb 8 oz. A tiny little peanut, but boy was he feisty. He still is! We love it now, but we probably won't when he is a teenager. I write about our journey and all other things that come with it, including a brain tumor. We look forward to "meeting" you - come hang out with us...we're pretty cool.

2 thoughts on “A Time of Life and of Death: Springtime Anxiety and Awareness”

  1. Oh Andrea, I know exactly what you mean…..the hurt of the loss never goes away. I always hope that means their memory is still well and alive within our hearts and in our minds. Your Mom will always be with you in spirit and that is a good thing. You are so much like your Mom and she would be so proud of you. What hurts is that they cannot physically share things with you. I find that in raising my little Sister’s special needs daughter, Ashlea. But I know she is watching over us all the time and that warms my heart. They are our stars in the sky at the end of the day….and not everybody has that. Take care, Andrea and keep loving the way you do.

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    1. Thank you, Kathy, for the kind words (as always!). This year feels less “sharp” than previous years, so I hope that means that I’m getting to the point of being able to enjoy the happy memories more. It’s so, so hard to miss someone. 😦

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