Gratitude

Life is hard. I’m tired most of the time and I worry about money and the health of my child. My house is messy. The laundry is strewn all over the floor and I’m not sure which pile, if any, is clean.

I found an apple under Jax’s bed yesterday. It was so moldy that I almost didn’t recognize what it was.

I struggle to find balance between being a mom and a wife. I’ve lost sight of who I am as a person without those roles taking precedence over any type of self-care that I might think I deserve. I have stopped pulling the gray hairs from my head because there are too many to keep up with.

I’ve gained weight and struggled with depression and anxiety.

Some nights, I stare at Jax as he’s sleeping and go over all the things I did wrong that day. We didn’t play enough. We played too much. I yelled when I was frustrated. I didn’t listen to my son when he tried to tell me a story because I was too lost in Facebook…

On those nights, I vow to to a better job at being Jaxson’s mom. But then I remember how exhausted I am and I just don’t see how I could possibly do any thing more.

No one told me how hard it would be to be a parent.

But even on the hard days, I am grateful. It’s a precious balance between exhaustion and gratitude: I am exhausted because my son is alive. He’s tearing down the curtains to make a snuggly nest. He’s starting fires in the microwave because he wants to “cook” like mommy. He’s taking nose-dives off the swingset into piles of snow because he wants to learn to fly.

He’s curious and learning and happy.

On the days that I lose sight of my purpose as a mother, I remember his belly laughs, his excited stories, and his gentle snuggles.

My resolution is to notice more the way my child looks in awe at the world around him. When I focus on that, motherhood becomes less of a chore and more of a blessing. Gratitude helps me remember that all the hard parts are worth it.

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Author: Andrea M

Oh man, what an adventure! I went into labor unexpectedly when I was 23w3d pregnant. Jaxson was born weighing 1 lb 8 oz. A tiny little peanut, but boy was he feisty. He still is! We love it now, but we probably won't when he is a teenager. I write about our journey and all other things that come with it, including a brain tumor. We look forward to "meeting" you - come hang out with us...we're pretty cool.

6 thoughts on “Gratitude”

  1. Friend, I feel the same way almost every day. I don’t think we ever feel like we do enough for our kids because our love and hopes for them are so unmeasurable that we can’t seem to fill it or live up to it.
    You are enough. Give yourself a break, momma.

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    1. Thanks, friend. I’m not very good at giving myself a break! But, Jax seems to think we’re doing ok and that is enough. I love your words ” I don’t think we ever feel like we do enough for our kids because our love and hopes for them are so unmeasurable that we can’t seem to fill it or live up to it.” I’m going to try and remember that when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

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  2. I understand everything your saying. I have realized how much of myself I have given to raising my children and taking care of everyone. But I have forgotten to take care of me. It is such a difficult balance. I enjoy my one hour in the morning (even though I would rather be in bed) that I have usually to myself. It requires being up early, but if I don’t have it, I find myself more easily frustrated and staring at my phone or tablet playing games or sitting on Pinterest instead of participating. Its hard when you have an active little one and many appointments to keep track of, but we have to remember that MOM comes first or she can’t give the pieces of herself that everyone needs. It doesn’t always work out to be first, but sometimes taking a step back and breathing is just a quick change in the focus that is needed, Your doing a great job, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Just remember that we are not perfect, and Jaxson trying to cook, is something you will tell him about for years to come 🙂 If you need blankets for a nest let me know, we have plenty!!

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    1. Thanks, friend. I used to love my morning time before Jax woke up. Since the hospital stay, his schedule has been all out of snych. Some days he’s up at 4:30am! Other days, he sleeps in until 7:30. I’m working on trying to get him back into a schedule and that will REALLY help with my sanity! 🙂

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  3. hugs to you. when i look back at what i did and didn’t do as a single mom of 3 daughters, i just think that ‘i did the best i could.’ and that is all we can really do –

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    1. Thanks. It’s true – all of us are just doing the best we can. It’s tough when our best dosen’t feel good enough. I know Jax thinks I’m doing an alright job, so that’s all that matters to me. 😉

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