The rain splattered the windshield as I drove my son to the Emergency Room. It shouldn’t be raining in January in Minnesota. “If this freezes, we’re screwed,” I thought more than once during the 45-minute drive. It’s worth it, to make the long drive, when Jax is having trouble breathing.
But, it’s a gamble, too.
Honestly, my first thought isn’t usually “Will he get worse in the car?” Usually, I’m wondering if I’m overreacting. Am I that mom? Did I make a mistake with his medication? Should I be managing this asthma attack at home?
I always second guess my decision.
If we stay home, I wonder if we should go in and if we go in, I wonder if we should have stayed home.
You would think this would be easy for me by now. This wasn’t our first ER rodeo – in fact, it’s the 5th ER trip in the past 12 months. So, where is all this doubt coming from?
Jax has pneumonia again. He was not admitted this time because we caught it early.
I trusted my gut, and even though Jax’s symptoms weren’t the worst they’ve ever been, I knew. I knew because I am Jaxson’s mom. I know him better than anyone. The doctor assured me that my actions saved Jax from another admission this time around. I did the right thing!
I am a good mom, a good advocate, a good gut-follower!
That is until next time, when we’re in the same position and I’m scared and worried and wishing / wondering if Jax’s lungs will ever be strong…then, I’ll go through all the same self-doubt and second-guessing, round and round, because the dread of doing the wrong thing is just too strong.
Jax gets everything I can give him. (The worry and fear are mine alone to bear, he doesn’t see any of that.) What he does see is his mama taking action, being strong, and keeping him safe. He feels the love, and when it comes down to it, that’s all that really matters.
One of these days, I’ll kick those feelings of doubt to the curb.